1 00:01:14,092 --> 00:01:15,593 So, this is for, uh, 2 00:01:15,677 --> 00:01:16,844 "New York Times Magazine"? 3 00:01:16,928 --> 00:01:19,055 - No. I'm sorry, that... 4 00:01:19,138 --> 00:01:20,640 there... 5 00:01:20,723 --> 00:01:22,975 mm... no, I freelance. 6 00:01:23,059 --> 00:01:24,477 I write for different magazines, 7 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,104 but this is a personal matter. 8 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,438 - A personal matter? 9 00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,273 - Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 10 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,858 - No, it's absolutely okay. 11 00:01:30,942 --> 00:01:32,860 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 12 00:01:32,944 --> 00:01:35,613 - Uh, it's about my son. 13 00:01:36,656 --> 00:01:38,825 - Okay. How can I help? 14 00:01:39,909 --> 00:01:42,203 He... 15 00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:48,459 There are moments that I look at him, 16 00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:51,129 this kid that I raised, 17 00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:54,298 who I thought I knew inside and out, 18 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:57,051 and I wonder who he is. 19 00:01:59,345 --> 00:02:01,973 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 20 00:02:02,056 --> 00:02:04,058 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 21 00:02:04,142 --> 00:02:08,938 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 22 00:02:09,021 --> 00:02:11,983 And I guess I'm here 23 00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:16,154 because I just want to know... 24 00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,990 all that I can about... 25 00:02:19,073 --> 00:02:20,825 all of it. 26 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,702 Know your enemies, right? 27 00:02:22,785 --> 00:02:24,954 So... 28 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,625 My two big questions are, 29 00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:32,253 wh-what is it doing to him, 30 00:02:32,336 --> 00:02:35,631 and what can I do to help him? 31 00:03:33,481 --> 00:03:35,401 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 32 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,736 Hi. My son has gone missing, 33 00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:41,489 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 34 00:03:41,572 --> 00:03:43,115 uh, maybe had been brought in 35 00:03:43,199 --> 00:03:46,452 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 36 00:03:46,536 --> 00:03:49,247 - Can I have name and description, sir? 37 00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:50,790 Nicolas Sheff. 38 00:03:50,873 --> 00:03:53,209 S-H-E-F-F. 39 00:03:53,292 --> 00:03:54,752 He is... 40 00:03:54,836 --> 00:03:56,504 18 years old. 41 00:03:56,587 --> 00:03:59,715 He is just over six feet tall. 42 00:03:59,799 --> 00:04:01,467 About 130 pounds. 43 00:04:01,551 --> 00:04:04,679 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 44 00:04:04,762 --> 00:04:07,181 He has shoulder-length brown hair 45 00:04:07,265 --> 00:04:09,350 and green eyes. 46 00:04:09,433 --> 00:04:11,102 Thank you. Please hold. 47 00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,187 Okay. 48 00:04:13,271 --> 00:04:15,439 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 49 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,608 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 50 00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:20,278 Okay. Thank you. 51 00:05:01,777 --> 00:05:03,696 He's been gone for two days. 52 00:05:03,779 --> 00:05:05,323 What do you mean he's gone? 53 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,283 - What's going on? - I don't know. 54 00:05:07,366 --> 00:05:08,659 - I don't know. - Two days? 55 00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,161 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 56 00:05:10,244 --> 00:05:12,079 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 57 00:05:12,163 --> 00:05:14,582 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 58 00:05:14,665 --> 00:05:16,500 Didn't you see this coming? 59 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,668 Uh, no. 60 00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:18,920 What? 61 00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:20,755 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 62 00:05:20,838 --> 00:05:22,840 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 63 00:05:22,924 --> 00:05:25,176 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 64 00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:27,428 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 65 00:05:27,511 --> 00:05:29,656 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 66 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:30,973 in parenting, right? 67 00:05:31,057 --> 00:05:33,017 Fuck, Vicki. 68 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,478 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 69 00:05:35,561 --> 00:05:37,438 Who's blaming who here? 70 00:05:37,521 --> 00:05:39,649 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 71 00:05:39,732 --> 00:05:41,317 to come to L.A. for the holidays 72 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,402 but always finds a reason not to come. 73 00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:46,530 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 74 00:06:22,525 --> 00:06:24,068 Nic. 75 00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:27,488 Here's your little brother. 76 00:06:28,781 --> 00:06:29,782 Tight. 77 00:06:29,865 --> 00:06:31,200 Just support his head. 78 00:06:38,457 --> 00:06:40,376 Hi, Jasper. 79 00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:43,004 - Hi, little boy. 80 00:06:46,215 --> 00:06:48,092 This is amazing. 81 00:06:51,137 --> 00:06:53,139 He's sticking his tongue out. 82 00:06:57,435 --> 00:06:59,520 Hi. Nice to meet you. 83 00:06:59,603 --> 00:07:01,522 - Bye. - Bye. 84 00:07:01,605 --> 00:07:03,357 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 85 00:07:03,441 --> 00:07:05,443 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 86 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:06,777 Work on your French. 87 00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,154 - Oui, madame. 88 00:07:08,237 --> 00:07:09,405 Have a great summer. 89 00:07:09,488 --> 00:07:11,407 And say hi to your mom. 90 00:07:13,659 --> 00:07:16,537 - Everything. - Everything. 91 00:08:23,395 --> 00:08:25,189 Ya! 92 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,024 Come on. 93 00:08:48,546 --> 00:08:50,256 Hey. 94 00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:52,966 Where have you been? 95 00:08:53,008 --> 00:08:54,236 Yeah, I just need to sleep, all right? 96 00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:55,427 What have you been doing? 97 00:08:55,511 --> 00:08:57,391 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 98 00:08:57,555 --> 00:09:00,766 Guys, go downstairs. 99 00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:03,435 I'll be there in a minute. 100 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,635 Ow. 101 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,440 Look, Man, I'm-I'm, uh... 102 00:09:49,523 --> 00:09:53,861 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 103 00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:56,071 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 104 00:09:56,155 --> 00:09:58,449 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 105 00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:01,869 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 106 00:10:01,952 --> 00:10:03,072 - Let's just go inside. - No. 107 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:04,288 They're professionals. 108 00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:06,207 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 109 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:08,083 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 110 00:10:08,167 --> 00:10:10,085 Hey. 111 00:10:12,254 --> 00:10:14,465 This got out of hand, right? 112 00:10:14,548 --> 00:10:16,175 Don't you think? 113 00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:21,889 Come on. 114 00:10:23,349 --> 00:10:24,433 All right. 115 00:10:24,516 --> 00:10:28,229 Okay. Okay. 116 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,859 I'm doing it for you. 117 00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:04,473 He needs treatment. And fast. 118 00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:07,184 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 119 00:11:07,268 --> 00:11:10,354 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 120 00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:13,899 Um, can you help him? 121 00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:16,110 Oh, yeah. I mean, 122 00:11:16,193 --> 00:11:19,113 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 123 00:11:19,196 --> 00:11:21,490 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 124 00:11:21,573 --> 00:11:23,492 Okay. 125 00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:25,703 - So, we have a free bed. 126 00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:28,497 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 127 00:11:28,580 --> 00:11:30,332 and then we evaluate. 128 00:11:32,042 --> 00:11:35,296 Um... what is your success rate? 129 00:11:35,379 --> 00:11:37,548 - On the high end, 80%. 130 00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:41,510 On the low end, 25%. 131 00:11:41,593 --> 00:11:44,471 Look, he will have daily consultations 132 00:11:44,555 --> 00:11:46,724 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 133 00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:50,686 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 134 00:11:50,769 --> 00:11:53,105 He'll be monitored very closely. 135 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,734 Thank you. 136 00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,945 And last page. 137 00:12:01,071 --> 00:12:03,198 Everything. 138 00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:07,995 Everything. 139 00:12:53,332 --> 00:12:56,293 Why are you always in this room? 140 00:12:56,377 --> 00:12:58,504 You hardly ever come out of here. 141 00:12:58,587 --> 00:13:00,255 It's like you're a vampire. 142 00:13:01,965 --> 00:13:04,385 I read. 143 00:13:04,468 --> 00:13:06,970 I draw. 144 00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:09,556 You know what we should do? 145 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,600 We should go surfing. 146 00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,394 Yeah. 147 00:13:13,477 --> 00:13:15,270 That sound good? 148 00:13:15,354 --> 00:13:17,981 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 149 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:21,735 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 150 00:13:21,819 --> 00:13:23,278 Oh, come on, they're... 151 00:13:23,362 --> 00:13:25,072 they're kind of great, though, right? 152 00:13:25,155 --> 00:13:26,155 I get it. 153 00:13:28,450 --> 00:13:30,619 It'll pass, though. 154 00:13:30,702 --> 00:13:32,579 It always does. 155 00:13:32,663 --> 00:13:34,540 What does? 156 00:13:34,623 --> 00:13:38,836 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 157 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,754 Huh, that really helps. 158 00:13:40,838 --> 00:13:42,798 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 159 00:13:43,882 --> 00:13:45,843 Okay. 160 00:13:46,969 --> 00:13:49,304 All right. That was... 161 00:13:49,388 --> 00:13:50,848 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 162 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:53,267 Mm-mm. 163 00:14:02,192 --> 00:14:04,653 All right. Your-your idea. 164 00:14:04,736 --> 00:14:06,738 Hey. 165 00:14:08,490 --> 00:14:10,701 Hey, Dad. 166 00:14:10,784 --> 00:14:13,871 So, we feel he's made great progress. 167 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,081 - Right, Nic? - Hi. -Hey. 168 00:14:16,165 --> 00:14:17,875 - That's great. - That's great. 169 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,978 - So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 170 00:14:20,002 --> 00:14:22,463 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 171 00:14:22,546 --> 00:14:24,631 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 172 00:14:24,715 --> 00:14:26,967 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 173 00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:28,653 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 174 00:14:28,677 --> 00:14:33,098 - The halfway house is an open living facility 175 00:14:33,182 --> 00:14:35,100 with follow-up every night, 176 00:14:35,184 --> 00:14:38,562 and we would help him find a job. 177 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,689 Right. I don't want to... 178 00:14:40,772 --> 00:14:45,777 go to college... right now. 179 00:14:45,861 --> 00:14:48,739 - Oh? Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 180 00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:52,284 I think I need to be independent. 181 00:14:54,786 --> 00:14:57,372 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 182 00:14:59,416 --> 00:15:02,586 It's gonna be good. 183 00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:03,587 What is he gonna do, 184 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,547 make coffee for the rest of his life? 185 00:15:05,631 --> 00:15:06,983 You know what, Frederick told me 186 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,443 that they have friends that had a son 187 00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,445 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 188 00:15:10,469 --> 00:15:12,346 and now he's doing a year program. 189 00:15:12,429 --> 00:15:14,269 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 190 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:19,311 What does that got to do with anything? 191 00:15:19,394 --> 00:15:20,938 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 192 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,814 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 193 00:15:22,898 --> 00:15:24,792 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 194 00:15:24,816 --> 00:15:26,109 Okay. 195 00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:30,572 Can we not make this about me? 196 00:15:30,656 --> 00:15:32,074 Uh... All right. 197 00:15:32,157 --> 00:15:33,343 Look, Nic needs some more time. 198 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:37,454 And that's fine. 199 00:15:37,538 --> 00:15:38,455 - Okay? - Okay. 200 00:15:38,539 --> 00:15:39,414 Okay? 201 00:15:39,498 --> 00:15:41,375 Yeah, okay. 202 00:15:48,298 --> 00:15:49,466 Shh. 203 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:55,764 David Sheff. 204 00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:56,908 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 205 00:15:56,932 --> 00:15:59,226 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 206 00:15:59,309 --> 00:16:00,978 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 207 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,729 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 208 00:16:02,813 --> 00:16:05,899 but I need to inform you about Nic. 209 00:16:05,983 --> 00:16:08,151 Okay. 210 00:16:08,235 --> 00:16:10,737 - He left the facility today during free time, 211 00:16:10,821 --> 00:16:13,532 and he hasn't returned since. 212 00:16:14,992 --> 00:16:16,243 - I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 213 00:16:16,326 --> 00:16:17,828 but please don't despair. 214 00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:19,997 This happens. 215 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:24,918 But I... I thought you said he was doing so well. 216 00:16:25,002 --> 00:16:28,589 - You should think of this as part of the process. 217 00:16:28,672 --> 00:16:31,300 Relapse is a part of recovery. 218 00:16:31,383 --> 00:16:33,135 Relapse is part of recovery? 219 00:16:33,218 --> 00:16:35,554 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 220 00:16:35,637 --> 00:16:37,931 Well, uh, that's... 221 00:16:38,015 --> 00:16:41,518 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 222 00:16:41,602 --> 00:16:44,688 - Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 223 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,499 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 224 00:16:46,523 --> 00:16:47,858 - It is not our responsibility 225 00:16:47,941 --> 00:16:49,484 once he leaves the facility. 226 00:16:49,568 --> 00:16:51,320 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 227 00:17:27,689 --> 00:17:29,566 Excuse me. 228 00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:32,027 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 229 00:17:32,110 --> 00:17:33,904 - No. - No? 230 00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:36,239 Okay, thank you. 231 00:18:21,993 --> 00:18:23,870 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 232 00:18:23,954 --> 00:18:25,014 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 233 00:18:25,038 --> 00:18:26,039 Hey, whoa. 234 00:18:26,123 --> 00:18:27,541 Wait. What...? Stop. 235 00:18:27,624 --> 00:18:28,976 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 236 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,961 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 237 00:18:31,044 --> 00:18:32,438 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 238 00:18:32,462 --> 00:18:34,422 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 239 00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:35,924 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 240 00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,193 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. 241 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,135 - Listen. - Or I could just... 242 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,278 You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 243 00:18:39,302 --> 00:18:41,096 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 244 00:18:41,179 --> 00:18:42,949 You know what? You're right. I'll just light it here alone. 245 00:18:42,973 --> 00:18:44,349 Don't. 246 00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:45,142 Occasionally, from time to time... 247 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,143 - Yeah? 248 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,704 - I will have a hit or two at a party, 249 00:18:47,728 --> 00:18:49,563 but it's been a while, so just... 250 00:18:49,646 --> 00:18:50,897 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 251 00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:53,608 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 252 00:18:53,692 --> 00:18:56,486 N-No. God, come on. 253 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:58,196 No. No, you're amazing. 254 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,823 You got... you applied to six colleges, 255 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:00,949 you got into all of them? 256 00:19:01,032 --> 00:19:02,325 Yeah. 257 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,244 Stop doubting yourself. 258 00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:05,954 Look at you. 259 00:19:07,164 --> 00:19:08,665 Give me that. Give me that. 260 00:19:13,336 --> 00:19:15,046 What? 261 00:19:15,130 --> 00:19:16,882 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 262 00:19:18,884 --> 00:19:20,927 - What? - Well... 263 00:19:22,471 --> 00:19:26,767 Thank you. This is a nice... 264 00:19:26,850 --> 00:19:28,935 thing to do. 265 00:19:30,854 --> 00:19:32,814 You did a lot of drugs, right? 266 00:19:32,898 --> 00:19:34,775 I, uh... 267 00:19:34,858 --> 00:19:36,943 Yeah, I did my share. 268 00:19:37,027 --> 00:19:38,695 I experimented with some drugs. 269 00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:40,781 I did. 270 00:19:42,199 --> 00:19:43,825 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 271 00:19:43,909 --> 00:19:45,327 There was a guy, and... No, no. 272 00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,620 This is the lecture part? 273 00:19:46,703 --> 00:19:48,413 - Right? - Yes. 274 00:19:48,497 --> 00:19:49,857 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 275 00:19:49,915 --> 00:19:51,666 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 276 00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:53,835 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 277 00:19:53,919 --> 00:19:56,421 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 278 00:19:56,505 --> 00:19:57,756 Mm-hmm. 279 00:19:57,839 --> 00:19:59,382 I deserve to party a little now. 280 00:19:59,466 --> 00:20:01,343 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 281 00:20:01,426 --> 00:20:04,387 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 282 00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,933 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 283 00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:12,270 Hmm. 284 00:20:12,354 --> 00:20:15,857 What is stupid about reality? 285 00:20:15,941 --> 00:20:17,442 You know, just like... 286 00:20:17,526 --> 00:20:21,863 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 287 00:20:21,947 --> 00:20:23,573 Okay. 288 00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:25,116 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 289 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,576 or you're gonna start believing it. 290 00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:28,495 Right. 291 00:20:57,566 --> 00:20:59,693 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 292 00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:07,200 This is my home. 293 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,121 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 294 00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:14,666 that you had only done crystal meth once. 295 00:21:14,749 --> 00:21:17,627 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 296 00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,838 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 297 00:21:19,921 --> 00:21:21,131 Yeah? 298 00:21:21,214 --> 00:21:22,382 David. 299 00:21:22,465 --> 00:21:23,508 We need to know. 300 00:21:24,634 --> 00:21:26,469 We need to know. 301 00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:32,392 I think I always liked it. 302 00:21:32,475 --> 00:21:34,394 What? 303 00:21:35,979 --> 00:21:38,773 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 304 00:21:38,857 --> 00:21:41,943 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 305 00:21:43,528 --> 00:21:45,822 And you've been doing all of that 306 00:21:45,906 --> 00:21:47,866 for what... years? 307 00:21:47,949 --> 00:21:49,868 A couple years, yeah. 308 00:21:51,161 --> 00:21:52,537 And crystal meth? 309 00:21:53,997 --> 00:21:55,957 Just a couple months. 310 00:21:57,417 --> 00:21:58,710 Wh-Why? 311 00:22:01,421 --> 00:22:02,421 I don't know. 312 00:22:02,464 --> 00:22:04,382 Um... 313 00:22:09,304 --> 00:22:12,057 When I tried it, I felt... 314 00:22:17,479 --> 00:22:20,899 I felt better than I ever had, so... 315 00:22:20,982 --> 00:22:23,318 I just kept on doing it. 316 00:22:23,401 --> 00:22:26,571 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 317 00:22:26,655 --> 00:22:31,117 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 318 00:22:31,201 --> 00:22:36,414 And hiding it and lying? Why? 319 00:22:38,875 --> 00:22:39,875 - I don't know. Um... 320 00:22:39,918 --> 00:22:41,628 - Why Nic, tell me why? 321 00:22:41,711 --> 00:22:42,754 Ease up. 322 00:22:42,837 --> 00:22:44,547 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 323 00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:46,651 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 324 00:22:46,675 --> 00:22:49,052 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 325 00:22:49,135 --> 00:22:50,196 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 326 00:22:50,220 --> 00:22:51,471 - Can you blame me?! 327 00:22:51,554 --> 00:22:53,139 Just, uh, not too long ago, 328 00:22:53,223 --> 00:22:54,867 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 329 00:22:54,891 --> 00:22:57,060 the water polo team. 330 00:22:57,143 --> 00:22:58,520 And look at us now. 331 00:22:58,603 --> 00:22:59,664 - Dad... - Can you please stop? 332 00:22:59,688 --> 00:23:01,040 - This isn't us. This is not who we are. 333 00:23:01,064 --> 00:23:03,358 Just, please, both of you, stop. 334 00:23:03,441 --> 00:23:05,193 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 335 00:23:07,988 --> 00:23:09,739 Dad, I'm so... 336 00:23:12,909 --> 00:23:14,369 I'm really sorry, Dad. 337 00:23:19,124 --> 00:23:20,375 - Nic, what you have... 338 00:23:22,377 --> 00:23:24,045 ...you're gonna find it again. 339 00:23:28,049 --> 00:23:29,509 - And you're gonna get it back. 340 00:23:32,220 --> 00:23:33,722 Ow, ow, ow. 341 00:23:33,805 --> 00:23:35,598 Ow. There you go. 342 00:24:11,176 --> 00:24:12,969 Nic! 343 00:24:22,896 --> 00:24:24,814 Nic! 344 00:24:26,191 --> 00:24:27,484 Nic! 345 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,987 Nic! 346 00:24:41,414 --> 00:24:43,374 Nic! 347 00:24:58,139 --> 00:24:59,516 Hey, Dad. 348 00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:01,267 Hey. 349 00:25:01,351 --> 00:25:02,811 How's New York? 350 00:25:02,894 --> 00:25:04,104 Fine. Good. 351 00:25:04,187 --> 00:25:05,480 Good interview today. 352 00:25:05,563 --> 00:25:06,898 - Nice. - How are you? 353 00:25:06,981 --> 00:25:09,526 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 354 00:25:09,609 --> 00:25:11,152 Yeah? You sure? 355 00:25:11,236 --> 00:25:12,987 Yeah. I don't... well... 356 00:25:13,071 --> 00:25:14,781 What? 357 00:25:14,864 --> 00:25:16,366 It's, uh... 358 00:25:16,449 --> 00:25:17,867 What's going on? 359 00:25:17,951 --> 00:25:20,787 Uh, we had this great group session, 360 00:25:20,870 --> 00:25:23,414 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 361 00:25:23,498 --> 00:25:25,542 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 362 00:25:25,625 --> 00:25:27,545 - Okay. -And when we were talking later, he said, 363 00:25:27,627 --> 00:25:29,796 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 364 00:25:29,879 --> 00:25:31,756 Go to college." 365 00:25:33,049 --> 00:25:34,592 I don't know, it's just crazy. 366 00:25:34,676 --> 00:25:37,637 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 367 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:38,847 I love writing. 368 00:25:38,930 --> 00:25:41,391 And I feel like I'm good at it, 369 00:25:41,474 --> 00:25:44,227 and I do it a lot, but... 370 00:25:44,310 --> 00:25:47,063 obviously, there's still a lot 371 00:25:47,147 --> 00:25:49,399 for-for me to learn and... 372 00:25:51,067 --> 00:25:53,278 Anyway, um... 373 00:25:53,361 --> 00:25:56,114 I'd love to give it a go, if... 374 00:25:56,197 --> 00:25:58,908 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 375 00:26:01,828 --> 00:26:05,290 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 376 00:26:06,416 --> 00:26:08,168 Back here. 377 00:26:31,441 --> 00:26:32,984 Have you met your roommate yet? 378 00:26:33,067 --> 00:26:34,235 Yeah, he seems nice. 379 00:26:34,319 --> 00:26:36,279 He's just in the hall. 380 00:26:36,362 --> 00:26:37,572 I feel for you, though. 381 00:26:39,115 --> 00:26:40,366 Ouch. 382 00:26:40,450 --> 00:26:41,951 No worries. I'll educate him. 383 00:26:43,828 --> 00:26:45,955 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 384 00:26:46,039 --> 00:26:47,832 Ah. 385 00:26:56,382 --> 00:26:58,384 Well, I better get going. 386 00:26:58,468 --> 00:26:59,969 All right. 387 00:27:11,898 --> 00:27:15,693 - Everything. - Everything. 388 00:27:30,124 --> 00:27:32,835 So, this is a poem by Charles Bukowski. 389 00:27:36,714 --> 00:27:40,385 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 390 00:27:40,468 --> 00:27:43,096 I changed jobs and cities, 391 00:27:43,179 --> 00:27:44,931 I hated holidays, 392 00:27:45,014 --> 00:27:46,307 babies, history, 393 00:27:46,391 --> 00:27:51,271 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 394 00:27:51,354 --> 00:27:54,482 marriage, movies, spiders... 395 00:27:54,565 --> 00:27:56,165 - I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 396 00:27:56,234 --> 00:27:57,151 - ...garbage men, 397 00:27:57,235 --> 00:27:59,028 - English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 398 00:27:59,112 --> 00:28:01,489 ...Spain, France, 399 00:28:01,572 --> 00:28:06,286 Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 400 00:28:06,369 --> 00:28:10,832 Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 401 00:28:10,915 --> 00:28:12,542 Charlie Chaplin was a fake 402 00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:14,711 and flowers were for pansies. 403 00:28:19,632 --> 00:28:21,551 Thanks. 404 00:28:37,317 --> 00:28:40,194 Come here. 405 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:47,869 Mm. 406 00:28:47,952 --> 00:28:50,496 Hi. 407 00:29:12,268 --> 00:29:13,936 Where's your bathroom? 408 00:29:14,020 --> 00:29:15,247 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 409 00:29:15,271 --> 00:29:16,522 Sure, honey. 410 00:29:16,606 --> 00:29:18,646 I'll show you where it is. Go right up, to the left. 411 00:30:31,222 --> 00:30:33,558 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 412 00:30:33,641 --> 00:30:35,309 How you doing? What's going on? 413 00:30:35,393 --> 00:30:36,829 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 414 00:30:36,853 --> 00:30:38,247 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 415 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:39,355 I really appreciate that. 416 00:32:06,025 --> 00:32:08,569 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 417 00:32:08,653 --> 00:32:11,072 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 418 00:32:11,155 --> 00:32:14,158 so they'd like us to join them. 419 00:32:18,579 --> 00:32:21,123 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 420 00:32:21,207 --> 00:32:22,375 - They're not here. - No? 421 00:32:22,458 --> 00:32:23,936 - No. - Oh, they didn't want to see me? 422 00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:25,145 - No, they didn't want to see you. 423 00:32:25,169 --> 00:32:26,249 - Oh, that's tough to hear. 424 00:32:26,295 --> 00:32:29,757 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 425 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:30,716 and think about that, huh? 426 00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,718 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 427 00:32:32,802 --> 00:32:35,429 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 428 00:32:35,513 --> 00:32:37,223 Oh, Jasper! 429 00:32:37,306 --> 00:32:40,101 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 430 00:32:40,184 --> 00:32:42,853 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 431 00:32:44,689 --> 00:32:46,691 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 432 00:32:46,774 --> 00:32:48,484 - Oh, no. - We... 433 00:32:48,568 --> 00:32:52,405 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 434 00:32:52,488 --> 00:32:55,241 So important to, uh, 435 00:32:55,324 --> 00:32:57,118 the culture of peace and wisdom. 436 00:32:57,201 --> 00:33:00,955 Um, a man named George... Hoopulu. 437 00:33:01,038 --> 00:33:04,041 Was, uh... was, uh... 438 00:33:04,125 --> 00:33:05,751 And he thought... 439 00:33:05,835 --> 00:33:08,296 "Well, I'm going to 440 00:33:08,379 --> 00:33:09,880 develop something that I..." 441 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:17,013 Hey. 442 00:33:17,096 --> 00:33:19,932 - Hey. Uh... 443 00:33:20,016 --> 00:33:23,477 Hey. Um... 444 00:33:23,561 --> 00:33:25,747 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 445 00:33:25,771 --> 00:33:27,982 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 446 00:33:28,065 --> 00:33:29,900 - Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 447 00:33:29,984 --> 00:33:31,819 - Yeah, sure. 448 00:33:35,990 --> 00:33:37,241 Y-You good? 449 00:33:37,325 --> 00:33:39,660 Yeah. I just... 450 00:33:40,328 --> 00:33:41,203 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 451 00:33:41,287 --> 00:33:42,788 They're really excited you're home. 452 00:33:45,833 --> 00:33:47,436 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. 453 00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:49,337 - Okay. 454 00:33:50,713 --> 00:33:52,715 All right. 455 00:34:14,737 --> 00:34:16,530 Yep! Mm! 456 00:34:39,220 --> 00:34:40,888 Where is it?! 457 00:34:40,971 --> 00:34:42,473 I don't have it! 458 00:34:42,556 --> 00:34:44,016 Where is it?! 459 00:34:44,100 --> 00:34:45,518 I don't have it! 460 00:34:45,601 --> 00:34:48,062 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 461 00:34:48,145 --> 00:34:49,772 Where is it?! 462 00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:50,957 Guys, guys, stop it. 463 00:34:50,981 --> 00:34:52,108 I don't know! 464 00:34:52,191 --> 00:34:53,251 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 465 00:34:53,275 --> 00:34:54,652 She took my money! 466 00:34:54,735 --> 00:34:55,861 I didn't. 467 00:34:55,945 --> 00:34:58,072 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 468 00:34:58,155 --> 00:34:59,841 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 469 00:34:59,865 --> 00:35:01,784 Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 470 00:35:01,867 --> 00:35:04,829 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 471 00:35:04,912 --> 00:35:07,540 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 472 00:35:07,623 --> 00:35:08,708 Hey, what happened? 473 00:35:10,459 --> 00:35:11,752 They're gone. 474 00:35:11,836 --> 00:35:14,296 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 475 00:35:14,380 --> 00:35:17,049 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 476 00:35:24,849 --> 00:35:26,851 Jasper's savings disappeared. 477 00:35:28,978 --> 00:35:30,438 Yeah? That's weird. 478 00:35:36,527 --> 00:35:38,237 Did you take his eight dollars? 479 00:35:40,948 --> 00:35:42,324 What? 480 00:35:42,408 --> 00:35:43,451 You heard me. 481 00:35:44,034 --> 00:35:46,287 Why would I? 482 00:35:46,370 --> 00:35:48,456 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 483 00:35:48,539 --> 00:35:50,666 Right, so it's me. 484 00:35:50,750 --> 00:35:53,335 This is fucking ridiculous. 485 00:35:53,419 --> 00:35:56,297 Are you using again? 486 00:35:56,380 --> 00:35:59,425 Am I using again? No. 487 00:36:01,010 --> 00:36:03,721 Are you high right now? 488 00:36:03,804 --> 00:36:05,389 What the f...? No. 489 00:36:05,473 --> 00:36:07,475 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 490 00:36:07,558 --> 00:36:08,976 Don't talk to me that way. 491 00:36:09,059 --> 00:36:10,603 Are you high right now? 492 00:36:10,686 --> 00:36:11,979 No. 493 00:36:12,062 --> 00:36:13,606 You're not using right now? 494 00:36:13,689 --> 00:36:14,982 Are you using? 495 00:36:15,065 --> 00:36:18,736 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 496 00:36:18,819 --> 00:36:20,696 Okay. 497 00:36:24,074 --> 00:36:27,369 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 498 00:36:27,453 --> 00:36:30,164 Everybody supported it. 499 00:36:30,247 --> 00:36:32,124 I'm glad that you went. 500 00:36:33,375 --> 00:36:35,836 Relapse is a part of rec... 501 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,797 Relapse is part of recovery. 502 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:41,717 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 503 00:36:50,226 --> 00:36:52,686 - David? - Hey. 504 00:36:52,770 --> 00:36:55,564 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 505 00:36:55,648 --> 00:36:57,983 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 506 00:36:58,067 --> 00:36:59,401 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 507 00:36:59,485 --> 00:37:01,087 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 508 00:37:01,111 --> 00:37:03,656 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 509 00:37:03,739 --> 00:37:05,175 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 510 00:37:05,199 --> 00:37:06,676 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 511 00:37:06,700 --> 00:37:08,202 - No. - No, you don't. Jesus Christ, 512 00:37:08,285 --> 00:37:09,930 then what the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 513 00:37:09,954 --> 00:37:11,264 - What the hell is wrong with you people? 514 00:37:11,288 --> 00:37:12,331 - Nic. 515 00:37:12,414 --> 00:37:13,517 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 516 00:37:13,541 --> 00:37:14,333 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 517 00:37:14,416 --> 00:37:16,836 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 518 00:37:16,919 --> 00:37:18,605 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 519 00:37:18,629 --> 00:37:20,756 You're the one who's causing it! 520 00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:23,467 And you're the only one who can stop it! 521 00:37:23,551 --> 00:37:24,635 Fucking solve it! 522 00:37:53,330 --> 00:37:54,330 Fuck! 523 00:37:55,416 --> 00:37:56,834 Fuck! 524 00:39:49,905 --> 00:39:52,324 So, this is for the, uh, 525 00:39:52,408 --> 00:39:53,993 "New York Times Magazine"? 526 00:39:54,076 --> 00:39:55,786 Oh, no. 527 00:39:55,869 --> 00:39:57,162 I'm a... I-I write. 528 00:39:57,246 --> 00:39:58,706 I freelance for different magazines, 529 00:39:58,789 --> 00:40:01,792 but this is... this is a personal matter. 530 00:40:01,875 --> 00:40:04,003 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 531 00:40:04,086 --> 00:40:06,338 - Is that okay? -Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 532 00:40:06,422 --> 00:40:08,215 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 533 00:40:08,298 --> 00:40:10,718 Uh, it's about my son. 534 00:40:10,801 --> 00:40:12,720 Okay. 535 00:40:15,806 --> 00:40:18,934 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 536 00:40:19,018 --> 00:40:20,853 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 537 00:40:20,936 --> 00:40:24,690 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 538 00:40:24,773 --> 00:40:26,984 And I guess I'm here 539 00:40:27,067 --> 00:40:30,738 because I just want to know all that I can 540 00:40:30,821 --> 00:40:33,741 about all of it. 541 00:40:33,824 --> 00:40:36,326 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 542 00:40:36,410 --> 00:40:38,250 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria... 543 00:40:38,328 --> 00:40:40,831 at least, when he takes it. 544 00:40:40,914 --> 00:40:42,100 You know, but when it wears off, 545 00:40:42,124 --> 00:40:43,876 with a depletion of as much as 60% 546 00:40:43,959 --> 00:40:46,837 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 547 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:50,883 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 548 00:40:50,966 --> 00:40:53,093 causing even more nerve damage, 549 00:40:53,177 --> 00:40:56,972 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 550 00:40:57,056 --> 00:40:58,557 Horrible cycle. 551 00:41:00,642 --> 00:41:02,770 - What's up? - Hey. 552 00:41:02,853 --> 00:41:05,481 Just doing some research. 553 00:41:32,758 --> 00:41:34,676 Hi. 554 00:41:40,808 --> 00:41:42,851 Are you hungry? 555 00:41:42,935 --> 00:41:46,021 You want to get something? 556 00:41:46,105 --> 00:41:48,690 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 557 00:41:48,774 --> 00:41:52,277 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 558 00:41:52,361 --> 00:41:54,696 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 559 00:41:54,780 --> 00:41:58,117 Meth changes the brain physically. 560 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:00,536 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 561 00:42:00,619 --> 00:42:02,579 in a meth user's brain. 562 00:42:02,663 --> 00:42:05,124 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 563 00:42:05,207 --> 00:42:08,919 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 564 00:42:09,002 --> 00:42:10,546 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 565 00:42:10,629 --> 00:42:13,340 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 566 00:42:13,423 --> 00:42:15,300 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 567 00:42:15,384 --> 00:42:17,803 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 568 00:42:17,886 --> 00:42:19,930 Here the amygdala is screaming. 569 00:42:23,767 --> 00:42:25,769 What this shows us 570 00:42:25,853 --> 00:42:28,147 is that there is a biological basis, 571 00:42:28,230 --> 00:42:31,942 uh, that meth users may be unable... 572 00:42:32,025 --> 00:42:34,069 not unwilling, but unable... 573 00:42:34,153 --> 00:42:37,364 to participate in normal treatment programs. 574 00:42:37,447 --> 00:42:38,866 I was in rehab, too. 575 00:42:40,075 --> 00:42:41,535 Three times. 576 00:42:41,618 --> 00:42:44,037 Ran away every time. 577 00:42:44,121 --> 00:42:46,540 Why? 578 00:42:46,623 --> 00:42:48,750 It was hell. 579 00:42:48,834 --> 00:42:51,170 Wanted to die. 580 00:42:51,253 --> 00:42:53,172 Why was it hell? 581 00:42:53,255 --> 00:42:56,049 All that God shit. 582 00:42:56,133 --> 00:42:58,051 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 583 00:42:58,135 --> 00:43:00,053 when it gets good. 584 00:43:00,137 --> 00:43:02,181 It's hard to explain. 585 00:43:02,264 --> 00:43:04,099 Feels like cocaine 586 00:43:04,183 --> 00:43:05,684 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 587 00:43:05,767 --> 00:43:07,436 Or, like, a million. 588 00:43:07,519 --> 00:43:10,063 What does this mean for Nic? 589 00:43:10,147 --> 00:43:12,065 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 590 00:43:12,149 --> 00:43:15,027 I don't know who promised you what, 591 00:43:15,110 --> 00:43:19,031 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 592 00:43:21,033 --> 00:43:22,326 Okay. 593 00:43:24,453 --> 00:43:27,206 What about your parents? 594 00:43:27,289 --> 00:43:29,416 - What about them? 595 00:43:29,499 --> 00:43:32,252 - Don't you think they're worried about you? 596 00:43:32,336 --> 00:43:34,755 Shouldn't you... 597 00:43:34,838 --> 00:43:37,090 let them know that... 598 00:43:37,174 --> 00:43:39,426 - They don't care. 599 00:43:39,509 --> 00:43:42,763 - Well, I think they do. 600 00:43:43,889 --> 00:43:46,808 What the fuck do you know? 601 00:43:53,690 --> 00:43:55,609 I gotta go. 602 00:43:55,692 --> 00:43:58,779 Oh. Okay. 603 00:44:02,157 --> 00:44:04,660 Thanks. 604 00:44:22,344 --> 00:44:25,097 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 605 00:45:22,195 --> 00:45:23,613 God. 606 00:46:52,452 --> 00:46:54,329 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 607 00:46:54,413 --> 00:46:55,455 Ready? 608 00:47:04,131 --> 00:47:06,258 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 609 00:47:06,341 --> 00:47:07,926 Exactly. 610 00:47:08,009 --> 00:47:09,803 That's it. 611 00:47:09,886 --> 00:47:11,805 That's exactly what I asked. 612 00:47:11,888 --> 00:47:13,265 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 613 00:47:13,348 --> 00:47:15,183 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 614 00:47:15,267 --> 00:47:17,185 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 615 00:47:34,828 --> 00:47:36,872 Hey. 616 00:47:49,468 --> 00:47:51,344 Oh, wow. 617 00:47:52,888 --> 00:47:55,056 This hasn't changed at all. 618 00:47:55,140 --> 00:47:58,143 This place. 619 00:47:59,519 --> 00:48:01,188 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 620 00:48:01,271 --> 00:48:02,606 I'm doing great. 621 00:48:02,689 --> 00:48:04,816 You know, just, um... 622 00:48:04,900 --> 00:48:06,651 um... 623 00:48:06,735 --> 00:48:08,612 just doing what needs to be done. 624 00:48:09,696 --> 00:48:11,490 What does that mean? 625 00:48:11,573 --> 00:48:15,285 Just being responsible for myself and... 626 00:48:15,368 --> 00:48:17,496 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 627 00:48:17,579 --> 00:48:19,664 I got five days now. 628 00:48:21,374 --> 00:48:23,543 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 629 00:48:23,627 --> 00:48:26,755 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 630 00:48:26,838 --> 00:48:28,465 Nic, I can't give you any money. 631 00:48:30,550 --> 00:48:32,469 Yeah. 632 00:48:32,552 --> 00:48:34,721 Okay. 633 00:48:34,804 --> 00:48:36,473 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 634 00:48:36,556 --> 00:48:38,058 I just need to get some shit together. 635 00:48:38,141 --> 00:48:39,351 I want to go to New York. 636 00:48:39,434 --> 00:48:41,645 - New York? - Yeah. 637 00:48:41,728 --> 00:48:43,522 I need to get out of San Francisco. 638 00:48:43,605 --> 00:48:45,232 There's too Many... 639 00:48:45,315 --> 00:48:47,108 All these fucking bad vibes here 640 00:48:47,192 --> 00:48:50,070 all the time. 641 00:48:50,153 --> 00:48:51,988 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 642 00:48:52,072 --> 00:48:54,366 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 643 00:48:54,449 --> 00:48:56,952 - We can do that, right? - Mm. Hmm. 644 00:49:02,999 --> 00:49:05,627 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 645 00:49:05,710 --> 00:49:09,089 Okay. They ask about you. 646 00:49:09,172 --> 00:49:12,008 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 647 00:49:12,092 --> 00:49:13,986 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 648 00:49:14,010 --> 00:49:15,387 No, I'm just saying... 649 00:49:15,470 --> 00:49:17,681 I should feel horrible about myself. 650 00:49:19,140 --> 00:49:23,728 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 651 00:49:23,812 --> 00:49:25,397 I'm sorry, Dad. 652 00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:28,942 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 653 00:49:29,025 --> 00:49:30,419 So please just give me some fucking money. 654 00:49:30,443 --> 00:49:31,796 And then what? Where does this end? 655 00:49:31,820 --> 00:49:33,297 This is... I got to see this one through. 656 00:49:33,321 --> 00:49:35,007 This is kind of working out for me right now. 657 00:49:35,031 --> 00:49:36,217 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 658 00:49:36,241 --> 00:49:37,321 like it's working out, Nic. 659 00:49:37,367 --> 00:49:38,553 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 660 00:49:38,577 --> 00:49:39,494 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? -No. 661 00:49:39,578 --> 00:49:40,912 - You can come home. - No. 662 00:49:40,996 --> 00:49:42,682 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 663 00:49:42,706 --> 00:49:43,832 Nic. 664 00:49:45,709 --> 00:49:46,793 Please. 665 00:49:54,134 --> 00:49:56,362 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 666 00:49:56,386 --> 00:49:58,847 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 667 00:49:58,930 --> 00:50:00,932 You think that you have this under control. 668 00:50:01,016 --> 00:50:03,685 - Mm-hmm. -And I understand how scared you are. 669 00:50:03,768 --> 00:50:05,728 I understand why I do things... it doesn't make me 670 00:50:05,770 --> 00:50:07,856 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 671 00:50:07,939 --> 00:50:10,692 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 672 00:50:10,775 --> 00:50:12,003 I was, like, this amazing thing, 673 00:50:12,027 --> 00:50:13,421 like, your special creation or something, 674 00:50:13,445 --> 00:50:15,655 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 675 00:50:15,739 --> 00:50:16,924 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 676 00:50:16,948 --> 00:50:19,367 Here. This is who I am. 677 00:50:26,708 --> 00:50:28,752 You don't like what you see? 678 00:50:35,258 --> 00:50:39,471 You know, the more I think about it... 679 00:50:39,554 --> 00:50:41,765 Mom should've gotten custody. 680 00:50:41,848 --> 00:50:44,309 Because you always gotta be fucking 681 00:50:44,392 --> 00:50:46,186 controlling everything all the time. 682 00:50:46,269 --> 00:50:48,772 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 683 00:50:48,855 --> 00:50:51,650 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 684 00:50:51,733 --> 00:50:54,444 But, God, what you're saying right now 685 00:50:54,527 --> 00:50:57,489 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 686 00:50:57,572 --> 00:50:58,966 - You're fucking controlling me right now! 687 00:50:58,990 --> 00:51:01,868 - It's not you. It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 688 00:51:01,951 --> 00:51:03,220 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 689 00:51:03,244 --> 00:51:04,244 Psychological terror. 690 00:51:04,287 --> 00:51:05,413 It's what addicts do. 691 00:51:05,497 --> 00:51:06,932 What the fuck are you doing right now, huh? 692 00:51:06,956 --> 00:51:09,459 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 693 00:51:17,592 --> 00:51:19,511 Oh,. 694 00:51:22,681 --> 00:51:25,600 I didn't want it to go like this. 695 00:51:29,396 --> 00:51:30,939 All right. 696 00:51:31,022 --> 00:51:32,607 I should go, Dad. 697 00:51:37,404 --> 00:51:39,489 - Let me... let me book you a room. 698 00:51:39,572 --> 00:51:40,407 - No, Dad. 699 00:51:40,490 --> 00:51:41,717 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. 700 00:51:41,741 --> 00:51:43,243 - No. Dad... 701 00:51:43,326 --> 00:51:44,720 - Why don't we just go get some food? 702 00:51:44,744 --> 00:51:46,871 - Dad, I should go. 703 00:51:48,248 --> 00:51:49,488 Can you say good-bye, at least? 704 00:51:49,541 --> 00:51:50,541 Bye, Dad. 705 00:52:02,137 --> 00:52:04,097 Where does he sleep? 706 00:52:04,180 --> 00:52:06,683 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 707 00:52:06,766 --> 00:52:07,809 He's fine. 708 00:52:12,939 --> 00:52:15,275 Um... 709 00:52:15,358 --> 00:52:18,069 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 710 00:52:18,153 --> 00:52:21,823 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. - Dolphin. 711 00:52:21,906 --> 00:52:23,575 - Hope so. - Need "E." 712 00:52:23,658 --> 00:52:25,034 Elephant. 713 00:52:25,118 --> 00:52:27,162 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 714 00:52:27,245 --> 00:52:28,955 - No. I tried. 715 00:52:29,038 --> 00:52:32,000 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 716 00:52:32,083 --> 00:52:36,379 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 717 00:52:36,463 --> 00:52:38,798 That's a good idea. 718 00:52:38,882 --> 00:52:40,842 Yeah. Let's try that. 719 00:53:34,979 --> 00:53:36,606 Dave. 720 00:53:36,689 --> 00:53:38,942 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 721 00:53:42,946 --> 00:53:44,864 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 722 00:53:44,948 --> 00:53:46,407 Okay. 723 00:53:49,953 --> 00:53:51,871 And... open 'em! 724 00:53:53,248 --> 00:53:54,916 Oh. Wow. 725 00:53:54,999 --> 00:53:56,376 Wow! 726 00:54:54,851 --> 00:54:56,519 Hello? 727 00:54:56,603 --> 00:54:59,355 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 728 00:54:59,439 --> 00:55:01,190 Is Nic Sheff your son? 729 00:55:04,819 --> 00:55:06,321 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 730 00:55:06,404 --> 00:55:08,781 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 731 00:55:08,865 --> 00:55:11,951 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 732 00:55:12,035 --> 00:55:13,870 but his vital signs are returning. 733 00:55:13,953 --> 00:55:16,289 Sir, we're ready for departure. 734 00:55:16,372 --> 00:55:17,790 Okay, okay. 735 00:55:17,874 --> 00:55:20,376 Um... may I talk to him? 736 00:55:20,460 --> 00:55:22,170 - No, that won't be possible. 737 00:55:22,253 --> 00:55:23,647 - Sir, I need you to turn off the phone. 738 00:55:23,671 --> 00:55:24,732 - Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 739 00:55:24,756 --> 00:55:25,757 - Mm-hmm. 740 00:55:25,840 --> 00:55:26,758 - Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 741 00:55:26,841 --> 00:55:29,052 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... 742 00:55:29,135 --> 00:55:30,845 - Sir. Sir. Please. 743 00:55:30,929 --> 00:55:32,929 - Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 744 00:55:41,272 --> 00:55:42,440 He checked out. 745 00:55:42,523 --> 00:55:43,650 What? 746 00:55:43,733 --> 00:55:45,151 Against doctor's orders. 747 00:55:45,234 --> 00:55:47,278 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 748 00:55:47,362 --> 00:55:49,614 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 749 00:55:49,697 --> 00:55:51,032 How long ago? 750 00:55:51,115 --> 00:55:53,534 Ten to 15 minutes. 751 00:55:53,618 --> 00:55:55,954 I'm sorry, sir. 752 00:56:19,644 --> 00:56:21,521 Yes. 753 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:44,544 Look, I've thought about it, 754 00:56:44,627 --> 00:56:46,462 and I'm done with drugs. 755 00:56:46,546 --> 00:56:48,548 This is it. 756 00:56:50,967 --> 00:56:53,344 I'm telling you, Dad. 757 00:56:53,428 --> 00:56:55,346 I'm done. 758 00:57:05,565 --> 00:57:07,900 And how would that work? 759 00:57:07,984 --> 00:57:11,446 I mean, after what just happened. 760 00:57:26,669 --> 00:57:28,796 Now, if you're in the area, 761 00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:30,381 evacuation orders and details, 762 00:57:30,465 --> 00:57:32,717 including relocation centers, can be found on... 763 00:57:32,800 --> 00:57:35,094 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 764 00:57:35,178 --> 00:57:36,721 with the intake people in Mississippi. 765 00:57:36,804 --> 00:57:38,056 That's all for now. 766 00:57:38,139 --> 00:57:39,724 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 767 00:57:39,807 --> 00:57:41,684 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 768 00:57:41,768 --> 00:57:44,395 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 769 00:57:44,479 --> 00:57:47,774 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 770 00:57:47,857 --> 00:57:49,376 You know, it's not even that well rated. 771 00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:51,486 We'll just skip that one. 772 00:57:51,569 --> 00:57:54,238 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 773 00:57:54,322 --> 00:57:56,491 Maybe that's the best solution for now. 774 00:57:56,574 --> 00:57:59,452 I'll hear back from them in an hour. 775 00:57:59,535 --> 00:58:00,703 - Mm. 776 00:58:00,787 --> 00:58:02,705 Give it a rest, David. 777 00:58:02,789 --> 00:58:04,832 Why don't you let me take over for now? 778 00:58:10,254 --> 00:58:11,756 Mm. 779 00:58:11,839 --> 00:58:13,591 Dad? 780 00:58:13,674 --> 00:58:15,176 Yeah. 781 00:58:15,259 --> 00:58:19,305 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 782 00:58:19,388 --> 00:58:21,682 Yes. 783 00:58:59,303 --> 00:59:01,556 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 784 00:59:04,684 --> 00:59:06,435 How about a book? 785 00:59:08,146 --> 00:59:10,648 No? Okay. 786 00:59:14,944 --> 00:59:18,114 You ready? 787 00:59:18,197 --> 00:59:19,866 Hey. Hey. 788 00:59:22,201 --> 00:59:24,245 Can I have a hug? 789 00:59:24,328 --> 00:59:25,329 No? 790 00:59:25,413 --> 00:59:26,914 Why not? 791 00:59:26,998 --> 00:59:29,375 Are you mad at me? 792 00:59:29,458 --> 00:59:31,586 'Cause you have to go? 793 00:59:32,670 --> 00:59:34,255 Okay. 794 00:59:34,338 --> 00:59:38,092 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 795 00:59:40,219 --> 00:59:42,096 I want you to know something. 796 00:59:42,180 --> 00:59:44,557 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 797 00:59:44,640 --> 00:59:47,685 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 798 00:59:47,768 --> 00:59:49,478 Okay? 799 00:59:49,562 --> 00:59:52,648 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 800 00:59:53,983 --> 00:59:56,319 Do you know how much I love you? 801 01:00:03,367 --> 01:00:07,496 If you could take all the words in the language, 802 01:00:07,580 --> 01:00:10,666 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 803 01:00:10,750 --> 01:00:13,878 And if you could gather all those words together, 804 01:00:13,961 --> 01:00:16,714 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 805 01:00:16,797 --> 01:00:19,675 What I feel for you is everything. 806 01:00:21,552 --> 01:00:23,554 I love you more than everything. 807 01:00:26,098 --> 01:00:28,434 Everything? 808 01:00:28,517 --> 01:00:30,061 Yeah, everything. 809 01:01:02,260 --> 01:01:04,262 Hey. 810 01:01:04,345 --> 01:01:06,514 That's my mom. 811 01:01:06,597 --> 01:01:09,642 I'm really glad you came to L.A. 812 01:01:09,725 --> 01:01:11,352 You know that, right? 813 01:01:18,526 --> 01:01:20,212 You just don't know what it is to be... 814 01:01:20,236 --> 01:01:23,114 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 815 01:01:23,197 --> 01:01:25,032 I'm sorry. Okay. 816 01:01:30,288 --> 01:01:32,873 All I could think about was you. 817 01:01:37,962 --> 01:01:41,215 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 818 01:01:44,802 --> 01:01:46,971 I'm-I'm sorry. 819 01:01:48,514 --> 01:01:50,057 Oh, Nicky. 820 01:01:55,896 --> 01:01:58,357 You are such a darling. 821 01:01:58,441 --> 01:02:00,318 You know that, right? 822 01:02:04,780 --> 01:02:06,824 Whew. 823 01:02:21,005 --> 01:02:22,882 Hey, come on, old! 824 01:02:22,965 --> 01:02:25,193 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 825 01:02:25,217 --> 01:02:27,428 You're being so disrespectful. 826 01:02:29,555 --> 01:02:31,116 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 827 01:02:31,140 --> 01:02:34,018 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 828 01:02:34,101 --> 01:02:36,312 - You about to look at my ass! 829 01:02:45,112 --> 01:02:46,697 Fuck. 830 01:03:09,887 --> 01:03:11,222 That's what I get for helping. 831 01:03:11,305 --> 01:03:13,099 Why'd you pull that hard? 832 01:03:13,182 --> 01:03:15,476 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 833 01:03:31,242 --> 01:03:33,160 How does this feel? 834 01:03:37,540 --> 01:03:40,709 Like I'm a real human being. 835 01:03:48,759 --> 01:03:52,263 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 836 01:03:52,346 --> 01:03:54,723 Yeah. That felt good. 837 01:03:54,807 --> 01:03:57,226 ...and I thought, 838 01:03:57,309 --> 01:03:59,687 "This is what's been missing." 839 01:03:59,770 --> 01:04:02,314 I felt complete. 840 01:04:02,398 --> 01:04:04,400 Today's a good day. 841 01:04:04,483 --> 01:04:07,278 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 842 01:04:07,361 --> 01:04:09,280 ever since. 843 01:04:09,363 --> 01:04:11,282 No matter... 844 01:04:11,365 --> 01:04:13,284 how much meth... 845 01:04:13,367 --> 01:04:17,246 Or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body... 846 01:04:17,329 --> 01:04:19,748 I do, it's never enough. 847 01:04:23,335 --> 01:04:26,714 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 848 01:04:26,797 --> 01:04:28,299 I detoxed, 849 01:04:28,382 --> 01:04:31,093 they would talk about disease, sure, 850 01:04:31,177 --> 01:04:32,720 but... 851 01:04:32,803 --> 01:04:34,388 it never clicked. 852 01:04:37,349 --> 01:04:41,479 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 853 01:04:41,562 --> 01:04:44,815 and someone asked me, 854 01:04:44,899 --> 01:04:47,234 "What's your problem?" 855 01:04:50,154 --> 01:04:53,324 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 856 01:04:53,407 --> 01:04:55,159 And he said... 857 01:04:55,242 --> 01:04:58,370 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 858 01:04:58,454 --> 01:05:00,372 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 859 01:05:00,456 --> 01:05:03,834 I know now I need to find a way 860 01:05:03,918 --> 01:05:07,129 to fill this... 861 01:05:07,213 --> 01:05:09,256 big... 862 01:05:09,340 --> 01:05:11,509 black hole in me. 863 01:05:15,888 --> 01:05:17,556 Anyway, so... 864 01:05:17,640 --> 01:05:20,726 - I'm 14 months clean. 865 01:05:20,809 --> 01:05:22,937 I have a job at a rehab. 866 01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:26,774 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 867 01:05:29,318 --> 01:05:32,446 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 868 01:05:32,530 --> 01:05:35,282 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 869 01:05:36,784 --> 01:05:39,119 And, um, I still have family. 870 01:05:41,163 --> 01:05:43,958 My mom's been amazing. 871 01:05:44,041 --> 01:05:46,794 My dad's been amazing, too. 872 01:05:52,716 --> 01:05:54,969 I want them to be proud of me. 873 01:06:34,300 --> 01:06:36,927 You all right? 874 01:06:37,011 --> 01:06:39,096 What's wrong? You nervous? 875 01:06:39,179 --> 01:06:40,389 Yeah. 876 01:06:47,062 --> 01:06:49,231 Thank you for marrying me. 877 01:06:50,691 --> 01:06:52,651 Thank you for being a perfect partner 878 01:06:52,735 --> 01:06:54,695 in an imperfect world. 879 01:06:56,488 --> 01:06:59,199 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 880 01:07:01,368 --> 01:07:03,287 Uh, I'm here for you, 881 01:07:03,370 --> 01:07:04,622 and I'm here to stay. 882 01:07:04,705 --> 01:07:06,707 Karen, thank you... 883 01:07:06,790 --> 01:07:08,751 for loving me. 884 01:07:10,127 --> 01:07:11,795 And thank you for loving him. 885 01:07:21,889 --> 01:07:24,308 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 886 01:07:27,853 --> 01:07:29,313 Perfect. 887 01:07:49,291 --> 01:07:51,210 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 888 01:07:51,293 --> 01:07:53,671 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 889 01:07:57,049 --> 01:07:58,759 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 890 01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:00,803 What's going on? 891 01:08:00,886 --> 01:08:02,388 Hey, I miss you more 892 01:08:02,471 --> 01:08:05,349 than the sun misses the moon at night. 893 01:08:05,432 --> 01:08:07,351 Mm. 894 01:08:09,019 --> 01:08:10,729 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 895 01:08:16,110 --> 01:08:18,195 Thank you for inviting me. 896 01:08:18,278 --> 01:08:19,822 Seriously. 897 01:08:49,935 --> 01:08:52,062 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 898 01:08:52,146 --> 01:08:53,564 Go, Daisy! 899 01:08:53,647 --> 01:08:55,149 Hey, honey. 900 01:08:58,902 --> 01:09:00,738 Go, Daisy, go! 901 01:09:10,456 --> 01:09:12,750 Nice. 902 01:09:15,502 --> 01:09:18,130 Oh! Ah, you! 903 01:09:18,213 --> 01:09:19,965 It's Daisy! 904 01:09:22,718 --> 01:09:24,261 Whoa! 905 01:09:32,519 --> 01:09:34,438 "If the marker is depleted 906 01:09:34,521 --> 01:09:36,398 "in meth addicts' brains, 907 01:09:36,482 --> 01:09:39,109 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 908 01:09:39,193 --> 01:09:41,653 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 909 01:09:41,737 --> 01:09:44,156 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 910 01:09:44,239 --> 01:09:47,201 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 911 01:09:47,284 --> 01:09:49,161 - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. 912 01:09:49,244 --> 01:09:50,871 - It's... 913 01:09:50,954 --> 01:09:51,997 - It is. - Okay. 914 01:09:52,080 --> 01:09:53,558 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 915 01:09:53,582 --> 01:09:54,249 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 916 01:09:54,333 --> 01:09:55,501 Basically... 917 01:09:55,584 --> 01:09:56,877 the fried... 918 01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,962 Nic's fried nerve endings 919 01:09:59,046 --> 01:10:01,423 can grow back. 920 01:10:01,507 --> 01:10:03,634 They say it can take two years, but... 921 01:10:03,717 --> 01:10:05,844 - Two years? - Yeah. 922 01:10:05,928 --> 01:10:08,388 But that's great, David. 923 01:10:17,981 --> 01:10:20,609 - Hey. - Hey. 924 01:10:20,692 --> 01:10:23,737 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 925 01:10:23,821 --> 01:10:25,948 and after, we went to the speaker's house 926 01:10:26,031 --> 01:10:27,908 and watched a video and... 927 01:10:27,991 --> 01:10:31,912 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 928 01:10:31,995 --> 01:10:33,956 No phone? 929 01:10:34,039 --> 01:10:35,958 Oh, my cell was dead. 930 01:10:38,877 --> 01:10:42,047 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 931 01:10:43,173 --> 01:10:45,342 Yeah, I mean, sure. 932 01:10:45,425 --> 01:10:46,885 Okay. 933 01:11:04,319 --> 01:11:06,864 You understand why, right? 934 01:11:06,947 --> 01:11:11,243 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 935 01:11:11,326 --> 01:11:15,122 I trust you... we just need to have some sort of proof. 936 01:11:18,959 --> 01:11:21,503 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 937 01:11:21,587 --> 01:11:23,797 - But... - I know. I know. 938 01:11:25,966 --> 01:11:28,135 I'll do it. No worries. 939 01:11:28,218 --> 01:11:30,470 Nothing to hide. 940 01:11:31,597 --> 01:11:32,973 Okay. 941 01:11:35,309 --> 01:11:37,811 Hey, you're doing great. 942 01:11:39,354 --> 01:11:41,148 You really are. 943 01:11:41,231 --> 01:11:44,151 By my count, 485 days clean. 944 01:11:44,234 --> 01:11:46,278 Wow. Come on, that's... 945 01:11:50,282 --> 01:11:52,993 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 946 01:11:54,119 --> 01:11:55,621 All right. 947 01:11:55,704 --> 01:11:57,623 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 948 01:11:57,706 --> 01:11:59,708 - I love you. - I love you, too. 949 01:12:31,156 --> 01:12:33,075 All right, Jasper, you ready? 950 01:12:33,158 --> 01:12:35,243 - Yep. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 951 01:12:35,327 --> 01:12:37,454 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 952 01:12:37,537 --> 01:12:40,582 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. 953 01:12:40,666 --> 01:12:42,376 - What? Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 954 01:12:42,459 --> 01:12:44,312 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 955 01:12:44,336 --> 01:12:45,416 - But I am a great swimmer. 956 01:12:45,462 --> 01:12:46,773 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 957 01:12:46,797 --> 01:12:49,383 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 958 01:12:49,466 --> 01:12:50,944 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 959 01:12:50,968 --> 01:12:52,844 you see? 960 01:12:52,928 --> 01:12:54,513 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 961 01:12:54,596 --> 01:12:56,473 - I'll stay close. - Nic can go in. 962 01:12:56,556 --> 01:12:57,641 That's fine. You, no. 963 01:12:57,724 --> 01:12:59,601 And that is final. 964 01:12:59,685 --> 01:13:01,061 We'll see about that. 965 01:13:01,144 --> 01:13:03,772 - Hey! - Okay. It's fine. 966 01:13:03,855 --> 01:13:06,066 It's fine. 967 01:13:14,992 --> 01:13:16,910 Should we just play a game instead? 968 01:13:16,994 --> 01:13:19,121 - Uh... - Yeah? 969 01:13:21,623 --> 01:13:23,834 Are you a hurfboard? 970 01:13:23,917 --> 01:13:26,253 - No. - No? 971 01:13:26,336 --> 01:13:28,255 Are you a hicycle? 972 01:13:28,338 --> 01:13:30,090 - No. - No? 973 01:13:30,173 --> 01:13:32,801 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 974 01:13:32,884 --> 01:13:34,177 Not really. 975 01:13:34,261 --> 01:13:36,263 - Not really? - Not really. 976 01:13:36,346 --> 01:13:37,806 So, sort of. 977 01:13:37,889 --> 01:13:40,434 So, um... 978 01:13:40,517 --> 01:13:41,852 are you a house? 979 01:13:41,935 --> 01:13:45,439 - Yes. How did you know? 980 01:13:45,522 --> 01:13:47,232 You know, 981 01:13:47,315 --> 01:13:49,860 I can read your mind. 982 01:13:49,943 --> 01:13:52,529 - Ooh... - Ooh... 983 01:13:53,947 --> 01:13:55,365 I know you're a great swimmer. 984 01:13:55,449 --> 01:13:57,176 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 985 01:13:57,200 --> 01:13:58,035 How does that sound? 986 01:13:58,118 --> 01:13:59,661 Yeah? 987 01:13:59,745 --> 01:14:02,414 Okay. 988 01:14:02,497 --> 01:14:04,750 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 989 01:14:04,833 --> 01:14:05,834 Or no? 990 01:14:05,917 --> 01:14:08,253 - I guess it was, at first. - Okay 991 01:14:08,336 --> 01:14:10,547 - I thought you might be different. 992 01:14:10,630 --> 01:14:13,175 But you're just the same old Nic. 993 01:14:29,649 --> 01:14:31,985 All right. Thanks. 994 01:14:36,073 --> 01:14:39,201 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 995 01:14:39,284 --> 01:14:41,912 Bye, Nic! 996 01:15:32,379 --> 01:15:35,173 - Go, Nic! 997 01:16:02,576 --> 01:16:05,120 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 998 01:16:05,203 --> 01:16:07,330 Bye, Nic! 999 01:16:29,895 --> 01:16:32,439 One day at a time, Man. 1000 01:16:32,522 --> 01:16:33,791 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 1001 01:16:33,815 --> 01:16:35,710 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 1002 01:16:35,734 --> 01:16:37,277 I'm so sick of living in it. 1003 01:16:37,360 --> 01:16:38,838 - That's your disease talking to you, Man. 1004 01:16:38,862 --> 01:16:40,423 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 1005 01:16:40,447 --> 01:16:41,967 Trying to kill you. You know this, Man. 1006 01:16:42,032 --> 01:16:43,783 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 1007 01:16:43,867 --> 01:16:45,660 I feel like... 1008 01:16:45,744 --> 01:16:48,705 - Well, you got to. - This isn't like fucking cancer. 1009 01:16:48,788 --> 01:16:52,042 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 1010 01:16:52,125 --> 01:16:53,765 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 1011 01:16:53,793 --> 01:16:55,462 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 1012 01:16:55,545 --> 01:16:58,465 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 1013 01:16:58,548 --> 01:17:00,800 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 1014 01:17:00,884 --> 01:17:02,612 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 1015 01:17:02,636 --> 01:17:04,363 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 1016 01:17:04,387 --> 01:17:06,115 - If you get high, you lose everything. - Right. 1017 01:17:06,139 --> 01:17:08,892 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 1018 01:17:11,561 --> 01:17:13,480 - Right. - That's right. 1019 01:17:13,563 --> 01:17:15,315 You choose the right way. 1020 01:17:15,398 --> 01:17:16,816 Right. All right, hey, listen, 1021 01:17:16,900 --> 01:17:18,419 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 1022 01:17:18,443 --> 01:17:19,879 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 1023 01:17:19,903 --> 01:17:21,196 You blowing me off now? 1024 01:17:21,279 --> 01:17:22,822 You gonna call me and waste my time? 1025 01:17:22,906 --> 01:17:24,616 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, Man. 1026 01:17:24,699 --> 01:17:26,260 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 1027 01:17:26,284 --> 01:17:27,428 Why don't you come over for dinner. 1028 01:17:27,452 --> 01:17:28,638 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 1029 01:17:28,662 --> 01:17:30,056 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 1030 01:17:30,080 --> 01:17:31,515 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 1031 01:17:31,539 --> 01:17:33,583 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 1032 01:18:31,224 --> 01:18:33,226 Nic Sheff. 1033 01:18:33,310 --> 01:18:35,228 Lauren. What? 1034 01:18:35,312 --> 01:18:37,480 What are you... 1035 01:18:39,399 --> 01:18:41,067 Wow, it's been a long time. 1036 01:18:41,151 --> 01:18:42,527 What-what are you doing here? 1037 01:18:42,610 --> 01:18:45,155 Just, uh... 1038 01:18:47,073 --> 01:18:49,284 What? 1039 01:18:52,495 --> 01:18:54,080 I've been sober for a while, 1040 01:18:54,164 --> 01:18:57,083 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 1041 01:19:20,482 --> 01:19:23,109 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, Man. 1042 01:19:23,193 --> 01:19:25,236 We have E. I told you, I told you. 1043 01:19:33,244 --> 01:19:35,955 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 1044 01:19:36,039 --> 01:19:37,374 Mm-hmm. 1045 01:19:37,457 --> 01:19:39,751 All right. 1046 01:19:56,184 --> 01:19:58,520 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 1047 01:19:58,603 --> 01:20:01,147 - Here you go. - Thank you. 1048 01:20:02,232 --> 01:20:04,359 Cotton and a spoon. 1049 01:20:27,173 --> 01:20:29,926 Mmm. 1050 01:20:40,687 --> 01:20:42,856 All right, that's it. 1051 01:20:42,939 --> 01:20:44,858 That's it. 1052 01:20:54,617 --> 01:20:56,536 Wow. 1053 01:23:15,925 --> 01:23:17,969 Your call has been forwarded 1054 01:23:18,052 --> 01:23:19,971 to an automated voice messaging system. 1055 01:23:20,054 --> 01:23:21,848 At the tone, please record your message. 1056 01:23:23,266 --> 01:23:24,601 It's Dad again. 1057 01:23:24,684 --> 01:23:26,853 I feel like you might have been a little down 1058 01:23:26,936 --> 01:23:29,772 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 1059 01:23:29,856 --> 01:23:32,442 All right. 1060 01:23:44,537 --> 01:23:46,956 So you have no idea where he is? 1061 01:23:47,040 --> 01:23:49,500 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 1062 01:23:49,584 --> 01:23:52,462 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 1063 01:23:52,545 --> 01:23:56,257 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 1064 01:23:56,341 --> 01:23:58,635 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 1065 01:23:58,718 --> 01:24:01,638 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 1066 01:24:01,721 --> 01:24:04,015 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 1067 01:24:04,098 --> 01:24:05,642 What the fuck, David? 1068 01:24:05,725 --> 01:24:07,935 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 1069 01:24:08,019 --> 01:24:09,562 Well, you could've checked on him. 1070 01:24:09,646 --> 01:24:11,314 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 1071 01:24:11,397 --> 01:24:13,816 What do you think I do all day? 1072 01:24:13,900 --> 01:24:17,278 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 1073 01:24:17,362 --> 01:24:20,239 I think you need to go to the police right now 1074 01:24:20,323 --> 01:24:22,283 and file a missing persons report, okay? 1075 01:24:22,367 --> 01:24:24,243 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 1076 01:24:24,327 --> 01:24:26,496 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 1077 01:24:26,579 --> 01:24:28,015 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 1078 01:24:28,039 --> 01:24:29,332 What are you even doing there?! 1079 01:24:29,415 --> 01:24:31,295 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 1080 01:24:31,334 --> 01:24:33,252 What are... 1081 01:24:34,337 --> 01:24:36,589 Damn. 1082 01:24:36,673 --> 01:24:39,092 Fuck! 1083 01:24:45,723 --> 01:24:47,392 Dave? 1084 01:24:47,475 --> 01:24:50,144 Could you call my phone, please? 1085 01:24:53,189 --> 01:24:55,024 What's going on? 1086 01:24:55,108 --> 01:24:56,901 He's gone. 1087 01:24:58,361 --> 01:25:01,364 How do we even know he's in L.A.? 1088 01:25:01,447 --> 01:25:03,991 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 1089 01:25:04,075 --> 01:25:06,452 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 1090 01:25:06,536 --> 01:25:07,995 I need to go. 1091 01:25:08,079 --> 01:25:10,707 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 1092 01:25:10,790 --> 01:25:12,583 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 1093 01:25:12,667 --> 01:25:14,919 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 1094 01:25:15,002 --> 01:25:18,589 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 1095 01:25:18,673 --> 01:25:20,842 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 1096 01:25:20,925 --> 01:25:21,925 Is this reasonable?! 1097 01:25:21,968 --> 01:25:24,470 No! It's not! 1098 01:25:24,554 --> 01:25:25,888 How can I be?! 1099 01:25:25,972 --> 01:25:27,515 My son is out there somewhere, 1100 01:25:27,598 --> 01:25:29,183 and I don't know what he's doing! 1101 01:25:29,267 --> 01:25:30,727 I don't know how to help him! 1102 01:25:30,810 --> 01:25:33,229 You can't! 1103 01:25:43,823 --> 01:25:45,491 I can't sleep. 1104 01:25:49,620 --> 01:25:50,496 You can't sleep? 1105 01:25:50,580 --> 01:25:52,039 I can't sleep. 1106 01:25:52,123 --> 01:25:53,291 Okay. 1107 01:25:57,503 --> 01:25:59,422 Good night, Daddy. 1108 01:26:00,506 --> 01:26:02,008 Good night. 1109 01:26:39,462 --> 01:26:41,130 Let go! 1110 01:26:41,214 --> 01:26:42,799 Airplane flying! 1111 01:26:44,467 --> 01:26:47,845 Airplane! 1112 01:26:47,929 --> 01:26:49,847 Fly away! Fly! 1113 01:26:51,682 --> 01:26:55,311 Airplane! Push! 1114 01:27:57,957 --> 01:27:59,309 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. 1115 01:27:59,333 --> 01:28:00,585 Hold on. 1116 01:28:00,668 --> 01:28:01,937 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 1117 01:28:01,961 --> 01:28:03,004 - Wait. - Good dog. 1118 01:28:03,087 --> 01:28:04,839 What's up? 1119 01:28:04,922 --> 01:28:08,134 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 1120 01:28:08,217 --> 01:28:10,428 Uh, no. Something came up. 1121 01:28:11,512 --> 01:28:13,598 Can I call him? 1122 01:28:13,681 --> 01:28:15,600 No, no. You can't. 1123 01:28:15,683 --> 01:28:17,184 It's not gonna be possible. 1124 01:28:17,268 --> 01:28:18,269 Why not? 1125 01:28:18,352 --> 01:28:20,271 Because it's not. 1126 01:28:20,354 --> 01:28:23,107 Is Nic back on drugs again? 1127 01:28:27,278 --> 01:28:29,947 We don't know, honey. 1128 01:30:06,168 --> 01:30:08,004 All right. 1129 01:31:48,229 --> 01:31:50,523 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 1130 01:32:03,285 --> 01:32:05,204 Yup. 1131 01:32:28,769 --> 01:32:29,812 You got it? 1132 01:32:29,895 --> 01:32:31,897 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 1133 01:32:33,190 --> 01:32:34,900 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 1134 01:32:34,984 --> 01:32:36,527 We got to go. 1135 01:32:38,237 --> 01:32:40,072 - What's going on? - Here. 1136 01:32:40,156 --> 01:32:42,783 We got to go. 1137 01:32:42,867 --> 01:32:44,785 Fine. 1138 01:32:59,133 --> 01:33:01,677 I think I just saw Nic. 1139 01:33:01,760 --> 01:33:03,470 What? 1140 01:33:03,554 --> 01:33:06,640 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 1141 01:33:13,439 --> 01:33:14,899 Nic. 1142 01:33:14,982 --> 01:33:16,442 Uh, no. Stay inside. 1143 01:33:16,525 --> 01:33:18,277 - Okay. - No. 1144 01:33:18,360 --> 01:33:22,156 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 1145 01:33:22,239 --> 01:33:23,908 Stay there. 1146 01:33:27,119 --> 01:33:29,038 - Okay. 1147 01:33:29,121 --> 01:33:31,665 Shit. Never again. 1148 01:33:31,749 --> 01:33:33,959 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 1149 01:33:34,043 --> 01:33:35,419 It's all right. 1150 01:33:40,424 --> 01:33:42,551 That was so terrible. 1151 01:33:42,635 --> 01:33:45,763 Oh, fuck! 1152 01:33:50,226 --> 01:33:52,561 Nic? Nic? Nic! 1153 01:33:54,355 --> 01:33:55,648 Oh... 1154 01:34:06,992 --> 01:34:08,911 Oh. No. No. No. 1155 01:35:25,029 --> 01:35:27,740 Come on! 1156 01:35:55,225 --> 01:35:58,395 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1157 01:36:22,503 --> 01:36:24,213 Okay. Okay. 1158 01:36:26,465 --> 01:36:29,009 911. What is your emergency? 1159 01:36:29,093 --> 01:36:31,053 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 1160 01:36:31,136 --> 01:36:32,388 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 1161 01:36:32,471 --> 01:36:34,014 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 1162 01:36:34,098 --> 01:36:35,432 Sir, do you know CPR? 1163 01:36:35,516 --> 01:36:37,035 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 1164 01:36:37,059 --> 01:36:39,139 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 1165 01:36:39,186 --> 01:36:41,355 - too, all right? - What is your location? 1166 01:36:41,438 --> 01:36:43,399 Yeah, I don't know. 1167 01:36:43,482 --> 01:36:45,085 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 1168 01:36:45,109 --> 01:36:46,819 Hello? 1169 01:36:46,902 --> 01:36:50,239 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 1170 01:36:50,322 --> 01:36:52,574 Sir? 1171 01:36:55,494 --> 01:36:57,037 Sir? Sir? 1172 01:37:05,963 --> 01:37:08,882 - Look up. 1173 01:37:08,966 --> 01:37:10,592 Honey, look up for me. 1174 01:37:12,219 --> 01:37:15,514 Can you look up this way over here? 1175 01:37:15,597 --> 01:37:17,599 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 1176 01:37:17,683 --> 01:37:19,101 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 1177 01:37:19,184 --> 01:37:20,745 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 1178 01:37:20,769 --> 01:37:22,247 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 1179 01:37:22,271 --> 01:37:23,748 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 1180 01:37:23,772 --> 01:37:25,166 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 1181 01:37:25,190 --> 01:37:26,817 No, sir, she needs to go! 1182 01:37:26,900 --> 01:37:28,527 Okay? 1183 01:37:28,610 --> 01:37:31,071 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 1184 01:37:31,155 --> 01:37:32,781 Goddamn it. 1185 01:37:32,865 --> 01:37:36,285 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 1186 01:37:36,368 --> 01:37:37,744 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 1187 01:37:37,828 --> 01:37:40,205 I love you. 1188 01:37:40,289 --> 01:37:42,666 - I love you, too. 1189 01:37:42,749 --> 01:37:44,293 You promise you're gonna meet me? 1190 01:37:44,376 --> 01:37:45,770 - Yes, Lauren. I'll come fucking meet you. 1191 01:37:45,794 --> 01:37:46,670 What do you want from me? 1192 01:37:46,753 --> 01:37:49,715 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 1193 01:38:16,116 --> 01:38:18,452 David Sheff. 1194 01:38:18,535 --> 01:38:20,245 Hey, Dad. It's me. 1195 01:38:22,956 --> 01:38:25,417 - Nic? - Yeah. 1196 01:38:33,884 --> 01:38:35,844 Please don't hate me, Dad. 1197 01:38:37,471 --> 01:38:39,389 I know I did wrong. 1198 01:38:41,183 --> 01:38:43,185 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 1199 01:38:43,268 --> 01:38:45,062 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 1200 01:38:45,145 --> 01:38:47,898 Just let me come home. You know what? 1201 01:38:47,981 --> 01:38:51,735 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 1202 01:38:51,818 --> 01:38:56,532 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 1203 01:38:56,615 --> 01:38:58,575 All right? 1204 01:39:01,495 --> 01:39:03,413 That's not going to happen. 1205 01:39:12,756 --> 01:39:15,801 I wish that I could help you, 1206 01:39:15,884 --> 01:39:17,803 but I can't do that. 1207 01:39:17,886 --> 01:39:19,596 I c... I can't. 1208 01:39:19,680 --> 01:39:21,682 Oh, please help me, Dad. 1209 01:39:23,225 --> 01:39:25,394 No, Dad. I just need a little bit 1210 01:39:25,477 --> 01:39:27,437 of help. 1211 01:39:27,521 --> 01:39:29,565 Please help me. I want to come home. 1212 01:39:29,648 --> 01:39:32,317 All I can tell you is what you already know. 1213 01:39:32,401 --> 01:39:35,070 - Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 1214 01:39:35,153 --> 01:39:36,780 - Call your sponsor. 1215 01:39:36,863 --> 01:39:38,383 - I don't want to talk to my sponsor now. 1216 01:39:38,407 --> 01:39:40,409 - I want to talk toy you. - Get help. 1217 01:39:40,492 --> 01:39:42,744 - I love you. - Dad, what... 1218 01:39:42,828 --> 01:39:45,163 - And I hope that you get your life together. 1219 01:39:45,247 --> 01:39:46,748 - I love you, too. 1220 01:39:46,832 --> 01:39:49,293 I love you. 1221 01:42:17,232 --> 01:42:18,608 Hello. 1222 01:42:18,692 --> 01:42:21,153 - Nicolas called. 1223 01:42:21,236 --> 01:42:22,738 He sounds desperate. 1224 01:42:22,821 --> 01:42:24,656 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 1225 01:42:24,740 --> 01:42:26,700 Well... 1226 01:42:26,783 --> 01:42:29,661 he's gonna die even if we do. 1227 01:42:29,745 --> 01:42:32,372 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 1228 01:42:39,337 --> 01:42:41,047 I failed. 1229 01:42:41,131 --> 01:42:42,525 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 1230 01:42:42,549 --> 01:42:45,051 So do I. 1231 01:42:45,135 --> 01:42:47,387 But you have done great, David. 1232 01:42:47,471 --> 01:42:50,348 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 1233 01:42:50,432 --> 01:42:52,267 You were up for it when I wasn't, 1234 01:42:52,350 --> 01:42:54,144 and I'm not giving up now. 1235 01:42:55,270 --> 01:42:57,022 Never. 1236 01:42:58,732 --> 01:43:01,443 But I can't do it alone. 1237 01:43:04,529 --> 01:43:07,240 I need your help. 1238 01:43:09,493 --> 01:43:12,454 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 1239 01:43:14,414 --> 01:43:17,709 You can be there for them, can't you? 1240 01:43:21,630 --> 01:43:23,715 Look at this. 1241 01:43:28,887 --> 01:43:30,806 I'm done. 1242 01:43:30,889 --> 01:43:33,058 - Oh. - Okay? I... 1243 01:43:33,141 --> 01:43:36,061 Okay. 1244 01:44:09,719 --> 01:44:11,680 Hey, everybody. 1245 01:44:11,763 --> 01:44:14,432 Time to get together. 1246 01:44:24,943 --> 01:44:30,991 I... I had a rough week. 1247 01:44:33,493 --> 01:44:35,203 Some of you know, some of you don't. 1248 01:44:35,287 --> 01:44:36,872 I, um... 1249 01:44:36,955 --> 01:44:38,999 I lost my Frances this week. 1250 01:44:39,082 --> 01:44:42,168 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 1251 01:44:42,252 --> 01:44:44,296 So... 1252 01:44:44,379 --> 01:44:48,300 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 1253 01:44:48,383 --> 01:44:50,719 I realized something else. 1254 01:44:50,802 --> 01:44:54,764 I've actually been in mourning for years. 1255 01:44:56,933 --> 01:44:59,144 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 1256 01:44:59,227 --> 01:45:01,688 she wasn't there. 1257 01:45:01,771 --> 01:45:05,984 When you mourn the living, 1258 01:45:06,067 --> 01:45:08,862 that's a hard way to live. 1259 01:45:10,906 --> 01:45:13,366 And so, in... 1260 01:45:13,450 --> 01:45:15,619 in a way, it's-it's... 1261 01:45:15,702 --> 01:45:17,704 it's better, I guess. 1262 01:45:21,958 --> 01:45:27,464 She was a dear, dear young woman. 1263 01:45:29,507 --> 01:45:31,593 I always felt... 1264 01:45:31,676 --> 01:45:34,262 I needed to... to stay strong, 1265 01:45:34,346 --> 01:45:37,682 that there'd be some future event, 1266 01:45:37,766 --> 01:45:40,310 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 1267 01:45:43,980 --> 01:45:46,441 But there are no events after this one. 1268 01:45:46,524 --> 01:45:49,986 I hope she's not in pain now. 1269 01:45:56,701 --> 01:45:58,620 Bye, Frances. 1270 01:47:55,737 --> 01:47:57,906 Hey. 1271 01:47:57,989 --> 01:48:00,158 Hi. 1272 01:48:09,501 --> 01:48:10,960 How's he doing? 1273 01:48:11,044 --> 01:48:13,213 The doctor's with him now. 1274 01:48:14,881 --> 01:48:16,633 He said it's close to a miracle 1275 01:48:16,716 --> 01:48:19,594 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 1276 01:55:19,597 --> 01:55:21,390 Either peace or happiness, 1277 01:55:21,474 --> 01:55:23,267 let it enfold you. 1278 01:55:23,351 --> 01:55:26,270 When I was a young man, I felt that these things 1279 01:55:26,354 --> 01:55:28,773 were dumb, unsophisticated. 1280 01:55:28,856 --> 01:55:31,025 I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 1281 01:55:31,108 --> 01:55:33,152 a precarious upbringing. 1282 01:55:33,236 --> 01:55:34,820 I was hard as granite. 1283 01:55:34,904 --> 01:55:36,739 I leered at the sun. 1284 01:55:36,822 --> 01:55:40,159 I trusted no man and especially no woman. 1285 01:55:40,243 --> 01:55:42,537 I was living a hell in small rooms. 1286 01:55:42,620 --> 01:55:44,288 I broke things, smashed things, 1287 01:55:44,372 --> 01:55:46,916 walked through glass, cursed. 1288 01:55:46,999 --> 01:55:48,543 I challenged everything, 1289 01:55:48,626 --> 01:55:50,795 was continually being evicted, jailed, 1290 01:55:50,878 --> 01:55:53,089 in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 1291 01:55:53,172 --> 01:55:56,008 Women were something to screw and rail at. 1292 01:55:56,092 --> 01:55:58,135 I had no male friends. 1293 01:55:58,219 --> 01:56:00,263 I changed jobs and cities. 1294 01:56:00,346 --> 01:56:02,974 I hated holidays, babies, history, 1295 01:56:03,057 --> 01:56:05,560 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 1296 01:56:05,643 --> 01:56:08,688 marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 1297 01:56:08,771 --> 01:56:12,567 English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 1298 01:56:12,650 --> 01:56:15,319 walnuts and the color orange. 1299 01:56:15,403 --> 01:56:17,196 Algebra angered me. 1300 01:56:17,280 --> 01:56:19,115 Opera sickened me. 1301 01:56:19,198 --> 01:56:21,200 Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 1302 01:56:21,284 --> 01:56:23,327 And flowers were for pansies. 1303 01:56:23,411 --> 01:56:26,789 Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 1304 01:56:26,872 --> 01:56:29,584 tenants of the weak and addled mind. 1305 01:56:29,667 --> 01:56:32,211 But as I went on with my alley fights, 1306 01:56:32,295 --> 01:56:33,629 my suicidal years, 1307 01:56:33,713 --> 01:56:35,631 my passage through any number of women, 1308 01:56:35,715 --> 01:56:39,260 it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 1309 01:56:39,343 --> 01:56:41,345 from the others, I was the same. 1310 01:56:41,429 --> 01:56:43,306 They were all fulsome with hatred, 1311 01:56:43,389 --> 01:56:45,725 glossed over with petty grievances. 1312 01:56:45,808 --> 01:56:48,352 The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 1313 01:56:48,436 --> 01:56:50,313 Everybody was nudging, inching, 1314 01:56:50,396 --> 01:56:53,232 cheating for some insignificant advantage. 1315 01:56:53,316 --> 01:56:56,402 The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 1316 01:56:56,485 --> 01:56:58,696 Darkness was the dictator. 1317 01:56:58,779 --> 01:57:02,074 Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 1318 01:57:02,158 --> 01:57:04,035 I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 1319 01:57:04,118 --> 01:57:07,079 just staring at the knobs of some dresser 1320 01:57:07,163 --> 01:57:09,415 or listening to the rain in the dark. 1321 01:57:09,498 --> 01:57:12,418 The less I needed, the better I felt. 1322 01:57:12,501 --> 01:57:14,337 Maybe the other life had worn me down. 1323 01:57:14,420 --> 01:57:16,047 I no longer found glamour 1324 01:57:16,130 --> 01:57:18,382 in topping somebody in conversation 1325 01:57:18,466 --> 01:57:21,677 or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 1326 01:57:21,761 --> 01:57:24,221 whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 1327 01:57:24,305 --> 01:57:26,182 I could never accept life as it was. 1328 01:57:26,265 --> 01:57:29,018 I could never gobble down all its poisons. 1329 01:57:29,101 --> 01:57:31,312 But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 1330 01:57:31,395 --> 01:57:33,314 open for the asking. 1331 01:57:33,397 --> 01:57:34,899 I reformulated. 1332 01:57:34,982 --> 01:57:36,942 I don't know when... date, time, all that... 1333 01:57:37,026 --> 01:57:38,527 but the change occurred. 1334 01:57:38,611 --> 01:57:41,906 Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 1335 01:57:41,989 --> 01:57:44,200 I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 1336 01:57:44,283 --> 01:57:45,951 I didn't have to prove anything. 1337 01:57:46,035 --> 01:57:47,536 I began to see things. 1338 01:57:47,620 --> 01:57:50,247 Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 1339 01:57:50,331 --> 01:57:52,958 Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 1340 01:57:53,042 --> 01:57:54,919 Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 1341 01:57:55,002 --> 01:57:56,962 stopped there, really stopped there, 1342 01:57:57,046 --> 01:57:59,048 with its body, its ears, its nose. 1343 01:57:59,131 --> 01:58:02,968 It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 1344 01:58:03,052 --> 01:58:06,806 and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 1345 01:58:06,889 --> 01:58:08,891 Then it was gone. 1346 01:58:08,974 --> 01:58:10,768 I began to feel good. 1347 01:58:10,851 --> 01:58:13,229 I began to feel good in the worst situations, 1348 01:58:13,312 --> 01:58:15,022 and there were plenty of those. 1349 01:58:15,106 --> 01:58:18,109 Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 1350 01:58:18,192 --> 01:58:20,194 He is going to have to fire me. 1351 01:58:20,277 --> 01:58:21,946 I've missed too many days. 1352 01:58:22,029 --> 01:58:25,282 He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 1353 01:58:25,366 --> 01:58:28,035 He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 1354 01:58:28,119 --> 01:58:29,829 'It's all right, ' I tell him. 1355 01:58:29,912 --> 01:58:31,247 He must do what he must do. 1356 01:58:31,330 --> 01:58:33,207 He has a wife, a house, children, 1357 01:58:33,290 --> 01:58:36,460 expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 1358 01:58:36,544 --> 01:58:37,920 I'm sorry for him. 1359 01:58:38,003 --> 01:58:39,213 He's caught. 1360 01:58:39,296 --> 01:58:41,257 I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 1361 01:58:41,340 --> 01:58:44,051 The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 1362 01:58:44,135 --> 01:58:46,679 The whole world is at the throat of the world. 1363 01:58:46,762 --> 01:58:49,640 Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 1364 01:58:49,724 --> 01:58:52,351 Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 1365 01:58:52,435 --> 01:58:55,521 I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 1366 01:58:55,604 --> 01:58:57,940 I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 1367 01:58:58,023 --> 01:59:00,860 like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 1368 01:59:00,943 --> 01:59:02,319 Don't get me wrong, 1369 01:59:02,403 --> 01:59:04,155 there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 1370 01:59:04,238 --> 01:59:05,531 that overlooks all basic problems 1371 01:59:05,614 --> 01:59:06,991 just for the sake of itself. 1372 01:59:07,074 --> 01:59:09,285 This is a shield and a sickness. 1373 01:59:09,368 --> 01:59:11,328 The knife got near my throat again. 1374 01:59:11,412 --> 01:59:13,247 I almost turned on the gas again. 1375 01:59:13,330 --> 01:59:15,249 But when the good moments arrived again, 1376 01:59:15,332 --> 01:59:17,376 I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 1377 01:59:17,460 --> 01:59:20,337 I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 1378 01:59:20,421 --> 01:59:22,214 I bade them welcome home. 1379 01:59:22,298 --> 01:59:23,841 I even looked into the mirror once 1380 01:59:23,924 --> 01:59:26,844 having thought myself to be ugly. 1381 01:59:26,927 --> 01:59:28,929 I now liked what I saw. 1382 01:59:29,013 --> 01:59:30,598 Almost handsome. 1383 01:59:30,681 --> 01:59:32,808 Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 1384 01:59:32,892 --> 01:59:35,019 Scars, lumps, odd turns. 1385 01:59:35,102 --> 01:59:37,146 But all in all, not too bad. 1386 01:59:37,229 --> 01:59:38,898 Almost handsome. 1387 01:59:38,981 --> 01:59:40,983 Better at least than some of those movie star faces 1388 01:59:41,066 --> 01:59:42,818 like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 1389 01:59:42,902 --> 01:59:44,361 And finally I discovered 1390 01:59:44,445 --> 01:59:46,781 real feelings for others, unheralded. 1391 01:59:46,864 --> 01:59:48,532 Like lately, like this morning, 1392 01:59:48,616 --> 01:59:52,036 as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 1393 01:59:52,119 --> 01:59:53,829 just the shape of her head there, 1394 01:59:53,913 --> 01:59:57,500 covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 1395 01:59:57,583 --> 02:00:00,002 Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 1396 02:00:00,085 --> 02:00:01,587 and the dying, the pyramids, 1397 02:00:01,670 --> 02:00:04,340 Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 1398 02:00:04,423 --> 02:00:06,091 weeds growing, the Earth turning, 1399 02:00:06,175 --> 02:00:08,260 the tote board waiting for me. 1400 02:00:08,344 --> 02:00:10,012 I saw the shape of my wife's head, 1401 02:00:10,095 --> 02:00:11,472 she so still. 1402 02:00:11,555 --> 02:00:12,807 I ached for her life, 1403 02:00:12,890 --> 02:00:14,642 just being there under the covers. 1404 02:00:14,725 --> 02:00:16,268 I kissed her on the forehead, 1405 02:00:16,352 --> 02:00:17,812 got down the stairway, got outside, 1406 02:00:17,895 --> 02:00:20,523 got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 1407 02:00:20,606 --> 02:00:21,982 backed out the drive. 1408 02:00:22,066 --> 02:00:23,818 Feeling warm to the fingertips, 1409 02:00:23,901 --> 02:00:26,654 down to my foot on the gas pedal, 1410 02:00:26,737 --> 02:00:28,614 I entered the world once more, 1411 02:00:28,697 --> 02:00:30,699 drove down the hill past the houses 1412 02:00:30,783 --> 02:00:32,493 full and empty of people. 1413 02:00:32,576 --> 02:00:34,954 I saw the mailman, honked. 1414 02:00:35,037 --> 02:00:37,373 He waved back at me.